I swore I'd never do that to MY kid. Of course I figured that by marrying a super smarty pants I wouldn't need to. Sadly he got my math genes.
So I cringed the other day as I heard from upstairs my husband yelling "YOU. ARE. SO. LAZY!" He was beyond frustrated by my son's progress (or lack thereof) studying for an upcoming math test. And yes, my son is maddening. He gets the concepts and blows it in the computation. Basic stuff like adding incorrectly or forgetting to carry the "2."
"Careless errors! You're not focusing! Jesus Christ! Apply yourself!" That was what I heard a lot of during my formative years when it came to math. And now I know how my parents felt. I hear those words coming out of my mouth.
"If you were stupid I'd understand!" he'd yell at me.
I get it now.
I was in "gifted" programs. Teachers always used the phrase "extremely bright," usually followed by, "but doesn't work up to full potential."
Oh that is soooo my son. He is brilliant in so many ways, but he shows no determination or motivation to do better if something is challenging for him.
He is not driven by his weaknesses, he surrenders to them.
I'm sure my dad felt the same way about me.
I know screaming doesn't work.
I know we can work with him so that he does better on tests.
What I don't know is how to make HIM want to do better.
Because I swear, if he really did work to his full potential amazing things would happen.
And that would mean more to me than any grade on any test.
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8 things that matter:
Time for a tutor? Or one of those Kumon classes or something? I hear they work.
I never got math. Now I work with numbers. However, I probably only use up to say 4th grade math. Which is good, since I stopped understanding it at about 5th grade.
My daughter was in a school for the gifted but yet she got mediocre grades for awhile. We tried grounding her, taking away music while she was studying, and my husband even tried $$$ bribes. Nothing worked. I was talking with one of her teachers and mentioned our frustration. She said, "She's bright. She's getting the grades she wants to get." Ah hah! So we told her that we were through getting after her about her grades, that she was getting the grades she wanted. She was insulted---beyond insulted. And her grades went up.
I'm hoping she doesn't read this blog!!! But it did work.
@Issa, we've definitely done the tutor route, but when they understand the concepts and make bone-headed mistakes on the math part no one but the kid can help.
We spend a lot of time breaking it down with him He can do it. He knows he can, but he's really careless. So me. Sigh.
@Knittergran, what a great point. Yes, actually the one thing that does seem to resonate is when we ask him how HE feels about a bad grade rather than chastising him for it. He knows we're not happy, we don't need to rub it in.
I urge you to get Ending the Homework Hassle, a book by John Rosemond. If nothing else, it is a fun read.
As John would point out, there is absolutely no reason for your son to take responsibility for this problem so long as you are taking responsibility for it instead. He gives good instructions on how to remove yourself from the homework picture almost entirely. Believe me, it is much healthier for everyone in the family. I've used some of his ideas here, even though I homeschool. I cannot recommend this book enough!
I will definitely check it out, but if it doesn't work would you consider enrolling him for next year?
my 3year old has shown signs of "non-motivation" for about 3 years now.
i know my "teacher genes" did NOT get in her.
let us know what works, wouldja?
I know kids is easy to motivate but it is not seen immediately just like what we wants.
But whatever we say to them it is there in their mind and heart.So we should be careful of saying anything on our kids.
@Becca, you're right. And I forget the exact statistic, but it was something like it take 8 positive comments to make up for one negative. Fortunately we more than fulfill our quota on that front. :-)
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